r/nottheonion Jan 21 '22

Drunk priest 'mistakenly' slaughters human instead of goat; arrested Removed - Not Oniony

https://www.tribuneindia.com/news/nation/ap-drunk-priest-mistakenly-slaughters-human-instead-of-goat-arrested-362597

[deleted]

417 Upvotes

u/Flair_Helper Jan 22 '22

Hey /u/-Omegamart-, thanks for contributing to /r/nottheonion. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules:

Rule 2 - Sorry, but this story isn't oniony.

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110

u/CurlSagan Jan 21 '22

Somewhere nearby, there's a goat disguised in human clothing thinking, "My plan has worked perfectly."

23

u/Fake_William_Shatner Jan 22 '22

"Why am I supposed to wear this goat costume and hang out near the pub? And, why does this come with a garter belt?"

The goat's plan had many moving parts.

149

u/nofftastic Jan 21 '22

a youth was allegedly beheaded by mistake. . .The victim has been identified as 35-year-old man Suresh

How long do these people live if 35 year old men are still youths?

60

u/Tall-Vermicelli-4669 Jan 21 '22 Silver

That totally depends upon how drunk your priests get 😁

12

u/Fake_William_Shatner Jan 22 '22

Those beer goggles remove 10 years. Nothing worse for a drunken priest than waking up and finding they are of legal age.

"You're 18? Get out you crone! Scratch that, where's my machete?"

8

u/Hapijoel Jan 22 '22

I'm happy to be called a youth, for what its worth

3

u/soundsthatwormsmake Jan 22 '22

It also first described it as a beheading, and then said his throat was cut. It seems like the writer went with more sensational wording first, and then filled in the specifics in the second half.

3

u/weazel988 Jan 21 '22

It's a typo, in that country you've pretty much made it to pensioner age at 35

2

u/SnowedInByEdward Jan 22 '22

Lol India has a thriving middle class

1

u/romanianfish Jan 22 '22

The writer of the article must he 120 years old.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '22

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1

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1

u/[deleted] Jan 24 '22

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1

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27

u/schalowendofthepool Jan 22 '22

Person: Yo, this guy's the GOAT

Priest:

21

u/saltynalty17 Jan 21 '22

Looks like nobody came to save Isaac this time

6

u/PresidentSpanky Jan 21 '22

Looks like Yellamma is not as fast a goddess as YHWH or she likes human sacrifices

102

u/Hizjyayvu Jan 21 '22

Drunk priest 'mistakenly' fucks goat instead of human; no charges

71

u/Actually_The_Flash Jan 21 '22

Well of course there were no charges, he was behind the goat.

8

u/neonoggie Jan 21 '22

How does this not have 69 upvotes yet?

4

u/Asimpbarb Jan 21 '22

Maybe we need to get the Catholic priests drunk around goats more often

9

u/ravenfool1066 Jan 21 '22

Bro I make that mistake all the time; it's fine

4

u/GetlostMaps Jan 22 '22

We've all done it. It's normal.

22

u/GaidinDaishan Jan 21 '22

35 year old youth.

16

u/marcvanh Jan 21 '22

Did you just say yoot?

11

u/Fake_William_Shatner Jan 22 '22

I'm sorry, yoothes.

2

u/Shaunflix Jan 22 '22

Reference almost nobody will understand ♡ lol

1

u/Ignorantologist Jan 22 '22

Yea because no one has ever seen My Cousin Vinny, an incredibly arcane film lost to time, that only lives on in the memories of a select few.

7

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

Never tell a priest you are the greatest of all time.

6

u/InstaGibberish Jan 22 '22

Is this how you speed run Goat Simulator?

4

u/Mama_Cougar Jan 22 '22

First it says the victim was a youth, then he is a 35 year old married man with a child. So which is it, I wonder.

4

u/DuePomegranate Jan 22 '22

Probably a translation error where they have a word for pre-middle-age adult and it got translated to youth. "Young man" would still stretch to a 35 yo, I feel.

9

u/tenderooskies Jan 21 '22

whomst among us - right?

2

u/Fake_William_Shatner Jan 22 '22

Well, not after I saw how ugly the goat was. Have some standards.

3

u/mike_linden Jan 22 '22

I've heard this story before

2

u/7Moisturefarmer Jan 22 '22

Yeah, but when Abraham tried to do it he became revered by 3 different religions. This guy only got arrested for his trouble.

3

u/ambermage Jan 22 '22

The harvest better be amazing this year.

2

u/seremuyo Jan 22 '22

If it is, we'll see another mistake next year.

15

u/dennyjunkshin88 Jan 21 '22

India. It's always India.

22

u/Tall-Vermicelli-4669 Jan 21 '22

Well, there or Florida

12

u/halfanothersdozen Jan 21 '22

Is India Asia's Florida?

14

u/Terrik1337 Jan 22 '22

I typed in "India man throws" into google and the top three auto completes were:

Acid at wife

Dog off roof

Cobra at wife

It might be the Florida of Asia.

5

u/bmorerealz Jan 22 '22

Florida man throws:

Alligator through drive-thru

Baby at police

Pizza at Dad

The alligator drive-thru story throws those off a tad, seems people really like that story.

3

u/Nessie Jan 22 '22

Florindiaman

6

u/Itchier Jan 22 '22

I mean there's a 1/7 chance anything that happens to a person is India so yes it quite often is.

-2

u/dennyjunkshin88 Jan 22 '22

Naw, that's average but the real numbers are reflected in the level of fucked upness. So there is a correction to factor in.

3

u/Itchier Jan 22 '22

Probably not

2

u/Shia_LaMurph Jan 22 '22

Happens...

2

u/GetlostMaps Jan 22 '22

Furries better watch out.

2

u/MolniyaSokol Jan 22 '22

Looks like someone picked up the wrong kid

2

u/Xtockac Jan 21 '22

Whaat...how is that even possible. How drunk can one be. And what was the person doing. Just waiting around?

8

u/BoredCop Jan 21 '22

Likely holding the goat?

1

u/Bumm_by_Design Jan 22 '22

...Shielding the goat, it's clearly his fault

2

u/Darryl_Lict Jan 22 '22

I've been drunk out of my mind, but never that drunk.

1

u/Fake_William_Shatner Jan 22 '22

I know, right? If I have enough alcohol in me to make this mistake, I have too much alcohol to stay conscious.

2

u/tryingtodefendhim Jan 22 '22

“at a village festival in Valasapalle hamlet near Madanapalle in Andhra Pradesh’s Chittoor on Sunday”

Wuut

2

u/rainofshambala Jan 22 '22

Ok I am from that part of the country not rural though but human sacrifice is a thing there in some darker rituals, they even still have witch hunts. This story sounds a little fishy maybe he was the intended sacrifice for all we know

1

u/Efvat Jan 22 '22

I find this funnier that I should.

-2

u/SaintArkweather Jan 21 '22

Guess he had too much Jesus blood in his system

-11

u/FreelanceTripper Jan 21 '22

What are you doing sacrificing animals in this day and age anyway? It’s in humane. Fuck your religion.

12

u/diagnosedwolf Jan 22 '22

Did you seriously type that with a straight face? If you’re not a vegan, you’re hilarious.

-10

u/FreelanceTripper Jan 22 '22

Okay mr wolf.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/restore_democracy Jan 21 '22

I mean, who among us hasn’t?

1

u/mdlinc Jan 21 '22

You gotta be kidding?

1

u/holyfuckingshit420 Jan 21 '22

Some fuckers got caught in a cannibalism ring.

1

u/xcieg Jan 22 '22

I hate when I mistake humans for goats.

1

u/Paddlesons Jan 22 '22

Whoopsie!

1

u/Dpentoney Jan 22 '22

If I had a nickel

1

u/dershmoo Jan 22 '22

Aaron Rodgers is sweating rn

1

u/rolleduptwodollabill Jan 22 '22

we dont have proof and I think it will probably happen again.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 22 '22

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1

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1

u/UFOsAustralia Jan 22 '22

meat is meat, i don't understand the problem

1

u/SkavensWhiteRaven Jan 22 '22

a youth was allegedly beheaded by mistake

Umm. Going to have to call bullshit on that one chief.

1

u/Remorseful_User Jan 22 '22

To be fair your honor, he was really ugly. It was an easy mistake to make.

1

u/Rosy2020Derek Jan 22 '22

Stop the sacrificing!!!

1

u/snufftard Jan 22 '22

Satanist by accident

1

u/mauore11 Jan 22 '22

Priest: "you mean to say -hic- that goat was really a man? I thought it was a regular talking goat, now I wish I didn't milk him first... hic!